Tyrades! Let's Slow Down Fasting

Friday, February 20, 2009

"Intermittent fasting." Remember those words.

According to the "Los Angeles Times," that's a hot trend in the dieting/health maintenance field. Unlike the traditional version of going several consecutive days without food, intermittent fasting involves either scheduling certain meals or days to skip, or cutting total daily caloric intake by a large percentage, say, 30 percent.

Ironically, I'll bet the people who came up with this goofy plan were partaking of something that really gave them the munchies.

Of course intermittent fasting is all part of the movement of running down Western Civilization. Some agitators won't be satisfied until the Golden Arches replaces the Happy Meal with the "I'm So Despondent Over Living Better Than People In The Third World" Meal. I understand that a Hollywood boycott is planned unless Hannibal Lecter cuts back to preying on midgets.

Intermittent fasting also buys into the whole current diabetes scare. We'll soon have new parents saying, "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, just as long as it has 10 fingers and 10 toes and is merely pre-diabetic."

Advocates of intermittent fasting tout its alleged ability to extend the human lifespan. Sure, why bother trying to come up with alternative fuels or curing blindness? What the world really needs is insufferable yuppie jerks who hang around an extra 10 or 20 years.

Devotees claim that intermittent fasting gives them added energy. That'll come in handy if this calorie-restriction fad really catches on. You'll need your energy to pick up after your 30-year-old son when he moves back home because the restaurant he works at declared bankruptcy.

Practitioners of intermittent fasting boast that it coincides with various religious and cultural practices around the globe. If they're so much into spirituality, maybe they should try a little intermittent "being fed to the lions" and see how that works for 'em.

If some people sincerely believe that they no longer need the caloric intake that sedentary modern humans are accustomed to, we can tolerate the intermittent fasting solution. Or...we could round up all those whiners and let them generate an appetite doing some actual work. I think I have a spare sling blade in the shed.

For some reason the adage "If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is" comes to mind when considering intermittent fasting. It supposedly helps with cancer, heart disease, asthma, clearer skin, pain, tissue repair and "what ails ya." Davy Crockett might want to sue for copyright infringement because intermittent fasting allegedly "took over Washington, so I heard tell/And patched up the crack in the Liberty Bell."

My wife the biology teacher agrees that intermittent fasting is fraught with dangers such as binge eating and muscle breakdown. There are people who can't even handle changing their hair color. How are they supposed to outsmart something as complex as their body's metabolism? ("C'mon, Mother Nature I'm gonna kick your -- hey! When did my rear get so big???")

Aw, who are we to argue with success? A study published in "The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences" found that reducing calories 30 percent per day increased the memory function of elderly men and women. And what do they remember? ("I remember doughnuts. I remember buffets. I remember where I put my will. I remember where I put my pistol. Goodbye, cruel world. Hello, cheeseburger in paradise!")