Tyrades! Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

Friday, January 15, 2010

According to CNN, BeautifulPeople.com (an international Internet dating site with a strict ban on "ugly people") has expelled about 5,000 members for having the temerity to gain a few extra pounds over the holidays.

That's right. Members didn't become any less desirable for things like driving drunk along a crowded parade route or snarling "Bah, humbug!" at starving orphans. No, they got kicked out on their semi-plump keisters for daring to drink an extra glass of boiled custard.

BeautifulPeople.com is an elite club that users can join only if enough members vote them beautiful within 48 hours of their photo being uploaded. In other words, beautiful people are uniquely qualified to decide what is beautiful. Uh...my pet Roxanne has 15 years experience being a cat, but I wouldn't trust her to dispense veterinary advice. ("Take two licks and call me in the ...ZZZZZZZZZ")

I pity the members who think that the photos posted on BeautifulPeople can't be faked. ("Not only does Stephanie have perfect teeth, but she has connections! Here's a photo of her riding in a motorcade with JFK and the Loch Ness Monster!")

The management of BeautifulPeople.com suggested that the expelled members diet, exercise, or seek cosmetic surgery and then reapply. It may be "tough love," but they really are concerned about the health of the members. ("Fix yourself up, so you can go trolling for STDs on six continents!")

The company prides itself in being honest about its shallowness. Yeah, well, the guy in the ski mask is pretty honest about wanting your money or your life, but he's still running way behind in the God's Gift To Mankind category

Yes, members have the right to date only people they're attracted to. That right was secured by the Founding Fathers. ("A well regulated singles bar with no uggos in sight, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.")

The current furor is specifically over dating and "fatties," but the world is full of physical imperfections and reasons for people to be thrust together. I pity the magnificent specimens at BeautifulPeople who must tolerate the rest of us repulsively average people in line at the supermarket, across the backyard fence, etc. Perhaps there should be a merciful government program to provide dark glasses and Seeing Eye dogs for all of them. (And maybe a mechanical rabbit for the dogs to chase into traffic. But I digress.)

BeautifulPeople.com is in business to make money. Pretty soon they'll try the lucrative "extended warranty" scheme. ("We'll send a tow truck out to yank the Haagen-Dazs away from you.")

I'm surprised the BeautifulPeople crew hasn't tried commandeering the nation's full-body scanners. ("Look, I know that foiling a terrorist plot is important, but if I unwittingly accept a date with an outtie instead of an innie, I might as WELL die in a fiery plane crash.")

The members of BeautifulPeople had better hope they each find the right person soon. Because they will inevitably feel the ravages of time and have to lower their expectations with each dating site they employ. First, they'll settle for AlmostBeautiful.com. Then PrettyDarned Attractive.com. Then it'll be EhI'veHadWorse.com. I don't think any of us will shed a tear if someday these biggest losers log on to AhParasiticSiameseTwinsAreActuallyKindOfCute.com.

Note: Danny Tyree welcomes e-mail at tyreetyrades@aol.com.