New Yearís absolution

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Iíve never been one to make New Yearís resolutions. In fact, I usually scoff at the very concept of suddenly making a decision to change some aspect of oneís life, especially after a night that, for many folks, involves staying up too late and losing important articles of clothing in public. The most crucial decision these people should be making is how to navigate their way to bed without ruining the carpet. But this year, Iíve decided to make some significant changes, considering that itís noon on a Tuesday as I write this, and Iím still wearing pajamas.

Speaking of pajamas, my first resolution is to clean out my underwear drawer. Weíve all been there. Itís 6:00 a.m.our bodies and minds are barely functioning, and we just grab whateverís on top in the drawer where we think we crammed our clean underwear the last time we finally put them away and stopped getting dressed out of the laundry basket. It might be a pair with enough holes to strain pasta. (Try getting that image out of your mind.) It might be a pair youíve had since your senior year in high school and now fits like a giant pressure bandage. Or it might be a pair that has lost its elasticity and by the end of the day becomes an extra pair of socks. Life is just too short to wear uncomfortable underwear, and by golly, if I had to choose, Iíd rather wear none at all - yikes!

My next resolution involves the way I spend money. In 2017, I spent far too much on pets for my children. Now, donít get me wrong; I love animals. In fact, when I was a kid, my heroes were Grizzly Adams, Jacques Cousteau, and Marlin Perkins. Sure, they were old, weird, and made questionable fashion choices, but they all loved animals - and so do I. But thatís no excuse for, how Iíve allowed my finances to be disrupted by purchases involving, a horse, a dog, a cat, two hedgehogs, a hamster, and a mouse.I never dreamed that Iíd be spending this, kind of money for the privilege of constantly handling poop of various sizes. In 2018, Iím determined to avoid acquiring, any new creatures, that donít know how to flush.

Next, I resolve to be more realistic about the condition of my own body.I try to follow the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services exercise guidelines, and, other than maintaining the current contours of my love handles, it seems to have little effect. Itís about time that I resign myself to the fact that no matter how many reps I do on the ThighMaster, Iím simply not going to look like Jason Momoa, The Rock, or even that guy who starred in the, latest crappy King Arthur movie. Instead, I think Iím destined to look more like a close relative of Jim Gaffigan. (I see a wardrobe featuring pants with elastic waistbands in my future.)

My final resolution relates to politics. This next year, Iím resolving to stop getting worked up about whatís going on in Washington, DC. It usually just makes me angry, and then I take it out on my daughters, insisting that they go bush-hog their rooms and threatening to sell their pets on eBay. When I turn on the news and hear names like Chuck and Nancy, Crooked Hillary, Rocket Man, Crazy Bernie, or Pocahontas, instead of being outraged, Iíll just imagine Iím watching an episode of the WWE-rather than witnessing the cage match that is the US Government. The absurd plotlines are similar, the poorly choreographed moves are equally contrived, and both are led by brash billionaires whoíve spent time in the ring and have an apparent obsession with tanning and hair products. Iím just glad the costumes are different. (Iím not ready for a shirtless Donald in a pair of flamed trunks and body paint.)

Along with all of my own resolutions, I truly wish, a, blessed new year to all of my family, friends, and people with nothing better to do than read this. Iíll close with a, traditional Irish blessing for 2018:

ďMay, your, unmentionables drawer be full and fresh;

May your waistbands be flexible and non-chafing;

May your excuses for not purchasing a ferret be credible;

May your politics be harmlessly theatrical;

And may you find this column funny so that Iíll continue to feel good about myself.Ē

Amen, and Happy New Year!

Copyright 2017 Jason Graves